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Dear Father. — By: Crista Van de Pol

Dear Father.

Where do I start? Lord, I have so many thoughts trailing through my mind. So many fears, doubts, worries…and then more fear, doubts and worries. Did I mention that I need you?

Lord, I’m reading “Blue Like Jazz” by Donald Miller right now and I’m only on page fourteen.  You’ve already taught me a lot through this.

One of the quotes in the book has really hit me: “If you don’t love somebody, it gets annoying when they tell you what to do or what to feel. When you love them you get pleasure from their pleasure, and it makes it easy to serve. I didn’t love God because I didn’t know God” (14).

I’m starting to wonder if I truly love anyone

I’m not sure I know what it feels like to truly love someone.

Tonight my mother was giving me advice about driving. “Slooow down. You might want to get into the left lane, now. The turn’s coming up!!” Anyone who knows my mother can attest that she is a very sweet, and genuine, person.  She has a heart of gold.  But like me, she also struggles with worry.  Anyways, I get this anger built up inside of me like a poison seeping through me when she is critiquing my driving.

We made it safely to Target and we spent the night picking out Christmas gifts.  Anyone who really knows my mother knows she is a very generous person; she hardly buys anything for herself.  After she got done buying things for me and other people we returned home.  There was a Culvers bag that needed to get thrown away along with some other trash left in the van.

I handed her the trash and then grabbed the bags from the trunk.  I looked over and saw that she was wondering what to do with the trash bag, and was about to set it on the garage floor.  Now, if anyone knows my mom she is in a wheelchair.  I snatched the bag from her hand and said, “I’ll throw it away.”  While I was throwing it away I was thinking annoyed thoughts, and even thought that I should have had her throw it away.

Tears are coming to my eyes as I write this out…

I tell my mom I love her frequently but I’m wondering how often I actually live that out.

Lord, have mercy and teach me Your ways; teach me to love.

I don’t know how God puts up with me every day, and I know He doesn’t want me to be overcome with guilt either.

In times like these, when I realize how sinful I am, is when I’m so thankful for the Cross and what Jesus did for me. I know that I’ll mess up time and time again, but I can always set my sins at the foot of the cross and be wiped clean…again.

Until next time, I’ll be trying to pursue a deeper relationship with my Savior and hold onto His promise that He will carry out into completion the work He has started in me.  Sincerely, me.

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2 responses to “Dear Father. — By: Crista Van de Pol

  1. Crista,

    Thanks for posting something so honest and private. So glad you’re reading Blue Like Jazz. Donald Miller really has a good lens to process Jesus through. I wrote a letter to God on my plane ride coming back to school from Thanksgiving break and there’s something about writing your deepest worries, fears and failures on paper that is different and more powerful. Very well written!

  2. cmarievp

    Thanks Charlie,

    I couldn’t agree more. There is something very meaningful about writing things down, and gatherings thoughts onto a sheet of paper/blog. Thank you for the compliment, and also
    it means a lot for you to say that it’s written well because I know your standards are pretty high!
    By the way, your blog about Tim T. I talked about today in a convo with some people that were talking about how God didn’t have win the last game…i mentioned that Tim doesn’t pray to win the games (because he thinks God is higher than football), but that he prays to be a witness. They liked that idea, and I give you thanks for that!
    Anyways, I hope all is well and that we can catch up soon.

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