I want to freak people out more. I want to make it awkward.
Seriously. I drive a school bus filled with Junior Highers everyday, and you’d be surprised at the lack of differences between their attempts to look cool compared to the attempts of people my age.
“Hey! Check out my new ironic Captain Planet tattoo… It’s ironic right? I just want to be like, so ironic so people will think I’m smart and interesting and hip. Um, yeah… can I get a gluten free scone please? And the most pretentious wheat beer you’ve got.”
How about being a real, authentic, original person instead?
Ever since my freshman year of college I’ve felt like I’m sweating buckets wearing a jacket of cool to cover up the heart that’s on the sleeve of my weird t-shirt. In the name of transparency and soul odor, consider the following list of everything that’s not cool about me, the shedding of a layer.
1) I still pick my nose. And not just every once in awhile. All. The. Time.
2) I fuss with my hair in the mirror. A lot.
3) I’m a virgin.
4) I’m a hopeful romantic.
5) I like songs about death.
6) There’s a lot of woman who can bench press more than me.
7) Sometimes I just wear dirty underwear for a few days instead of doing my laundry.
8) A good fart still makes me giggle.
9) I prefer Target, but shopping at Wal-Mart doesn’t make my skin crawl.
10) I think my favorite song right now is the new Taylor-Swift-goes-Britney one.
11) It wasn’t a mutual breakup. She dumped me.
12) I honestly don’t know what “tumblr” is.
13) I haven’t heard of 95% of the authors people tell me are “must-reads.”
14) The inside of my car is pretty disgusting.
15) I have no idea how to do my taxes.
16) Sometimes I just open up a jar of peanut butter and go to town with my finger.
17) I really don’t hate chick-flicks.
18) I’m still very self-conscious.
19) I LOVED Dashboard Confessional in high school. Still do.
20) Sometimes I give my brother’s beagle’s wiener a little tickle.
21) I’ve never seen Casa Blanca.
22) Yes. I’m almost twenty-three and it wouldn’t be a stretch for me to pass for seventeen.
23) In the last month I’ve googled “bi-polar disorder” twice.
24) I cry at least once a week.
25) For a single guy in his early twenties, I sure think about my wife and kids a lot.